Jim Corn's Wit & Wisdom

Naughty or nice

2010-12-22T21:47:00.000-08:00

So there I am playing Family Feud on Facebook. The question: Name something about his job that Santa Claus might brag about.
I'm a little stumped after cookies and flying reindeer.
I ask Jim
He responds, "All the sex. The spontaneous elf sex."

I'm not sure if that will get him more or less in his stocking...

All in the name of safety...

2010-11-23T22:16:00.000-08:00

Sitting in the drive thru at Carl's Jr. when all of a sudden Jim's hand is on my boob and he says,
"Here, let me TSA you."
Next thing he's going to be asking for pictures...

The best day ever

2010-06-23T20:37:00.000-07:00

Jim got home from work and school today. Today was a great day...he finished his final project. He is super duper excited.
While holding the baby and feeding him a bottle he tells me turn something exciting on the tv. As I'm scrolling through the TV Guide he says,
"Half Pint Brawlers! That's exciting!".
I turn on the show. They are doing a montage of these little brawlers wrestling moments. Then, all of a sudden one of the little dudes is biting the crotch of a bigger dude and Jim screams,
"That midget just bit his dick! Holy shit babe! (Insert crazy laughter and almost asleep baby being terrorized awake) That guy was just totally biting that guy's dick. I've never seen a midget bite a guy's dick before. This is the best day ever! If you would have told me this morning that I would see a midget bite a guy's dick I wouldn't have believed you. Now I have. This is totally the best day ever!"

Sleepy time

2010-04-26T21:28:00.000-07:00

The Moo-ing thing continues

2010-04-26T21:18:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Jim mooed some more.
Then, when the baby was upset, I heard Jim tell him that he might feel better if he mooed and tried for the next several minutes to get him to moo.

If my child's first word is "moo" I'm going to lose it. Though, considering the other words Jim commonly says around him I should probably be thrilled with "moo".

Cocoon

2010-04-26T20:58:00.000-07:00

I'm getting the baby ready for bed and put him in his swaddle snuggly and leave him with daddy so I can get some work done.

Next thing I know I hear singing behind me and look back to see Jim holding the baby and moving him in a circular motion while singing, "Stirring my caterpillar baby...Just stirring my caterpillar baby..."

Declawed

2010-04-26T20:45:00.000-07:00

I decided we needed to get our cat declawed. I'm not usually a fan of such a procedure. However, Jim toys with the cat by moving his hand under the blanket and the cat pounces. All fun and games until the cat starts pouncing on the baby who moves his feet under the blanket. It happened one too many times.

I called the vet to get the cost of the procedure.

"Okay, I made an appointment for Cooper for next Thursday, it's $95," I say.

"Whoa! Too much. Just get me my knife!" he responds.

For the record, we paid the $95.

Who buys giant cupcake pans?

2010-04-15T22:12:00.000-07:00

The other day I made cupcakes and put one in Jim's lunch.
He called me to tell me how all the other guys at work were jealous that he got a cupcake. He then asked me if I would make a giant cupcake for him to bring to work the next day. (His sister got me one of those crazy cupcake pans for Christmas).
Sure.
Now, I'm thinking he wants me to make him one so he can take it and share with them.
Oh no.
Due to their talking shit he is taking it to eat the whole thing in front of them.

I think he only got 1/4 of the way through it.

Dad and Mom...also known as...

2010-03-24T13:26:00.000-07:00

As Jim gets home from work the other day and sits next to me as I feed our 1 week old son he exclaims,

"Babe, tell him Man With The Hat is home."
"Huh?"
"Yeah, he knows me as the Man With The Hat and you as the Lady With The Boob."

I think I prefer "Mom".

Moo mantra

2009-12-23T20:26:00.000-08:00

So, there we are, Jim laying on the couch - me sitting in the chair next to him massaging his hands when all of a sudden...

"Mooooo. I just moo-ed babe. It's so relaxing. You've got to give it a try. It's like, so relaxing and a power word and is just a really great mantra. Moooo....try it. What? You don't want to try it. It's really so relaxing. Maybe it doesn't work for everybody."

I knew it was coming

2009-12-23T13:30:00.000-08:00

Since Jim has been on maintenance at the refinery I've heard that when he comes out of the towers he looks like a chimney sweep. Usually he has cleaned himself up before I see him.

Yesterday our kids both had friends sleeping over, a brother and sister - dark skinned.

When Jim walked in the front door he passed our boy and his friend in the living room. He then passed our girl and her friend in the kitchen. Now, as I'm looking at him, noticing them, realizing what he looks like, I can see the many thoughts racing through his head wondering which one would be funny but not offensive. To his credit, he says nothing....until I give him an opening.

He comes over and kisses me. I respond, "Babe, you are black!"
The inevitable response, "Hey, I'm just trying to fit in around here."
It gave us a chuckle.

The below picture illustrates how nasty it is working in those towers. That is his lily white chest and his soot and grease covered face. AND - that's WITH him wearing his safety mask! ICK! ARGH!

Inspiring movies

2009-11-19T10:33:00.000-08:00

Jim, "I want to see a movie where they inspire someone without football or dancing."

Me, "I'm sure we can find one."

Jim, "I doubt it. There will be a dance-off in it somewhere."

Duck Hunting

2009-10-04T20:34:00.000-07:00

Jim went duck hunting. In our conversation I asked if he got any, he said yes and I asked, "Well, what are you going to do with them?"
"First I'm gonna have sex with them and eventually we'll eat them."
Luckily, neither have nor will happen.

"Black...it's the new red, white and blue."

2009-09-01T18:09:00.000-07:00

Said in early 2008, speaking of Barack Obama.

"This chicken tastes like it died angry."

2009-09-01T18:06:00.000-07:00

Said on Aug. 30th while eating Orange Chicken at Panda Express

By Popular Demand...

2009-09-01T17:58:00.000-07:00

So many of you know the "almost infamous" Jim "Cornstar" Corn.
If you don't...that's okay...keep reading. He's a hell of a guy and sneaks up on you when you least expect it and says something brilliant, something hilarious, or something down right crazy. I'm never sure which it's going to be until it's said and even then I'm sometimes left wondering.

By popular demand I am creating this blog to record all things truly Corn-worthy. Now, a few people have been asking for years now for me to do this and I've decided to finally get around to it. Whether you've known Corn for 2 days or 20 years, if you have heard him say something that has made you laugh, gasp or stare dumbstruck, please feel free to contact me and I will get it on here!

Let's get started!